everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
