Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
