I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
