last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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