i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
