You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
