last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Sorry my hands just texted you
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You've changed since you got that strap on
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
