Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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