I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
