I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
