He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
