the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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