Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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