I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
