when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
