I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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