No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
