he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Send help, water and tortillas.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
