I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
