I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Randomize
