bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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