It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
