Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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