I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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