dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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