Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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