I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
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