I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
