you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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