so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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