This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
