Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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