Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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