just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
