Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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