i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
