she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
