So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
