if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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