I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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