I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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