Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
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