If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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