I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
