nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
ugly people sure do ruin things
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I forget how to act sober
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
