So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
