Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
