once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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