Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Bring me that man meat
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
