so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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