I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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