Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
