On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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