apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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