god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
