In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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