I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
