I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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