found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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